Big L, you want me to be Santa again for your boy this year? Let me think about that, Clyde … Last year, I woke up to find my two-year-old boy shocking a pigeon with a taser gun. He said Santa gave him the taser, said Don't tell your daddy, and then forgot to shut the window when he climbed down the fire escape. I tried mouth-to-mouth but the pigeon was long gone. I only had to spend nine days in jail for animal cruelty, but my boy was in therapy for four months. Not my fault. I told him to only use it for fishing. No I don't want you to be Santa this year!!!
It's tough to be principled, Susan. I'm a non-violent guy. But whenever I hear about the atrocities ISIS commits … I kind of wish we could round them up and spank them all with angry porcupines. That is kind of cruel, Lemont. I know. What did the porcupines do to deserve that?